Star Trek: Starbase 777 - lt-jg-morris﹢lt-jg-tr’morvar

[D] The new quarters met him with sterile silence. Saren stood in the middle of them, a lost look in his eyes as he tried to process… everything really. There were still some items he needed to sort through (he won’t be touching the container with all of his knives, though. That one was quickly pushed into a corner and covered by some bigger junk of his, out of sight, out of mind), but he was also swimming in this weird soup of irritation and exhaustion that seemed to replace his blood and organs - feeling hot and burning. Because he was still here. Not only did they leave him in the fleet, basically giving him a condescending pap on his head, crooning bullshit about him being innocent, but he was also roped into mandatory therapy - and some very primal and proud part of him was very offended by this. Irrationally. Emotionally. He wanted to be alone, damn it! To be safe from the many eyes of the station that knew what he had done, and also to keep all the other people safe. And he was granted his wish - but on Starfleet’s terms. Fucking Starfleet, who was probably tiptoeing around him, keeping an eye on him, just in case he decided to fucking… do something to himself. Saren hissed a breath through his teeth. Were he an animal, the hair on the back of his neck would probably be raised up. The fact that he understood where they came from was the most annoying part. The fact that their fears and worries were rational, pissed him off. He didn’t need this. He didn’t want this. He didn’t deserve this. His hands nearly took two innocent human lives, why was he treated as something fragile?.. x_divider

22:53

He would’ve snarked and complained about it more, if only he had energy to do so. “A Romulan went to therapy”, even in 2413, sounded a lot like the beginning of some cheesy anecdote, but… here he was. Didn’t mean that he liked it. Didn’t mean that the prospect of just writing a resignation letter lost its allure. But that would mean interactions with Mo, and oh, man! That was quite the opposite of what he wanted! “Fucking fuck this…” he uttered, eyes clenched shut, body tense and winded up and unsure of what it wanted to do. Merely existing was exhausting enough, with all the shit his brain was trying desperately to process, filtering through stuff that matter and stuff that it should forget - only for it to resurface later, at the most inconvenient of times, like some deep sea monster, coming up to sink a ship, sink the teeth into it’s fragile wood, wrap the tongue around it’s sails, and drag it down, down, down... He didn’t want to see anyone, that was for sure. Especially, paradoxically, not his friends and colleagues - not after what they’ve witnessed at the fair. He didn’t want to eat - his lack of appetite was a new sort of trouble, but to his credit he fought against it valiantly with some small victories and successes on his part - so maybe he should sleep. Or, try to, at least.

Rest came in waves - one moment he found peace in the dark, quiet oblivion of his half-empty quarters, too warm and too stuffy but ultimately comforting in a way hiding under a heavy wool blanket was; but then came the violent crashes, as the memories of what had happened, fuzzy yet unbearably bright, swung full force at him. It felt like everything was a trigger. The sound of the running water, if he listened a tad too closely, turned into a desperate gurgle of air that the Admiral tried to gulp down, right after his knife dislodged itself out of her neck. He paced around his quarters extra carefully, because making any sound a tad too loud would remind him of the thump with which the Captain had landed on the floor, or the yelling of the people all around him. Saren was not too keen on finding out what seeing dark red would do to him. Eventually his breaths slowed down, and the Romulan lifted his head up to look at the bathroom mirror. His expectations of looking like shit were confirmed, as soon as he willed his sluggish yet restless mind to focus. The news that both Admiral Jean and Captain Mo had survived, and were recovering well, were sudden and cathartic. He learned of it when he woke up in medbay, confused and very upset to find himself uncontained and surrounded by people. And while he was - still is - happy to the point of mist in his eyes, a new sort of fear came about. For while Saren wanted desperately to make sure that one of his first friends on the station was breathing and alive and whole... but he couldn't. Mo's slack and too pale yet red face had not left him. The phantom feeling of applying pressure to the man's chest was still there. He still remembered the rage in Jack's voice as he yelled at him for doing this. x_divider

19:14

Or Nirral. Whatever. Nirral was dead. Saren was not. It was still his body that did this. His hands, his knife - one that he brought with him because, what? He was still shaken from the Valak encounter? Fucking idiot. He fucked up Mo's like, he fucked up Jean's life, and Commander Furr, who reacted violently to seeing some horrible, traumatizing shit involving his (seemingly very close) friend, would get punished for his outburst. Maybe if he actually tried harder, was smarter, this would not happen. He hid his face in a towel and half-sighed, half-sobbed, the urge to cry still present yet there were no more tears to shed. Fuck. Captain, if he was awake, was probably alone in the sickbay. And yet the mere idea of leaving his quarters was paralyzing. And Saren... Saren had no business even pondering the idea of visiting him. Not after what has been done. Not after he will be forever associated with an attempt on innocent lives - no one in their sound mind would ever let him near Mephis. Shouldn't. Gods, the realization that he had almost killed two people... Sickening. He had promised to never harm anybody to the two officers that gave him the recommendation letter, he fucking hated violence, and now he had almost killed Mo in the same way he had... he.... he was... "Maybe it does run in the family." x_divider

19:14

Blindly he threw the towel to the side, motion laced thinly with disgust. That's when Saren's attention refocused on the monotone sound of the message alert. Ah. Right. This thing that he was ignoring for, what? Half an hour now? More?.. He'll just see who was so insistent on talking with him. Probably Starfleet with some more bullshit about all of this. Hopefully no one from his friend group, because... yeah. But it's none of those.

Saren, please, as soon as you're able - please call or message me. You have not replied to any of my previous messages and calls, and we're getting worried. I have a nagging feeling that something bad has happened - and I would love it to be proven to just be my old man paranoia. If you're okay but just don't want to talk or are busy - let us know! Please. Your loving father, Talai i-Dartha tr'Morvar

*Oh. Oh, fuck.*

"Dinam?" Renakir's voice was soft and followed by the soft squeaking of his daughter beyond the door. He was happy to get a reply, it was more than he initially expected. He kept his distance when he noticed his dinam's voice was coming from not too far past the metal and breathed in slowly. He equally felt inadequate in the way he handled the previous events. He hated himself for sulking so long, hated himself for being so awkward around people yet again. Just when he thought he had been making progress. He didn't have time for another crisis, he needed to be there for his friends, his dinam. Although he was also hurt by Nirral, he did not commit atrocities like Saren. He didn't stare death in the face like Paco or Mallory. Other people had it much worse, maybe it was just his Reman instincts, his emotions running haywire. "I wanted to see how you were doing," Renakir tried not to tense up after speaking, telling himself he needed to be strong, but his whole body felt very weak. Kali-fal let out a couple sad squeaks as he antennae lay flat against the sides of her head and her six eyes began to droop. ".... I miss you, Dinam."

Oh. Kali was with him. Saren was glad that Renakir had his critter to support him through this - but even this light thought was overshadowed by the fact that his own epohhs were left alone to be taken care of by other people. And... he also almost took Bandit's owner's life. That poor little cat... Here, another dilemma struck. He could just say that it was fine. That he was fine. It wouldn't even be that big of a lie - compared to what other people had went through, what he had put other people through, he was fine. He wasn't the one who got stabbed (not this time, though his past experience was more of a... slashing one), not the one who's life was put in danger. But that would mean denying his brother entry into his ~~cage~~ quarters. Denying him a proper talk, that... judging by the voice, Renakir wanted. Maybe if he kept this distance, it would be fine? Saren tried to calm his screaming, panicking thoughts of "for the love of everything, don't let anyone near you," by convincing himself that if shit did hit the fan again... the half-Reman knew how to defend himself. "Come in, quickly." The door swooshed open, exposing the outside world to him - and Saren couldn't help the pang of fear that embedded itself into his heart like a well shot arrow. How fucking pathetic of him - he called this place his home, and now what? He felt fucking scared of it? Of it's inhabitants? Such a joke. The Romulan's face was kept carefully blank as he turned his head away from the door, waiting for it to close. Only after the telltale second hiss, did Saren turn to look at Renakir. Simple clothes, mussed hair, and still that lingering dead look in his eyes, Saren felt... inadequate, almost, seeing Renakir in uniform. Functioning like a proper officer, while Saren was wallowing in self-pity here, mind unable to move on from that fair day. "... I miss you too," he said finally, gaze slipping down to look at the ground between them. Ah. What now?..

It was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore his own apprehensions the longer the gap of silence became. Kali-fal let out a soft squeak, giving Renakir's face a light lick. To her surprise, her father made no reaction, his eyes fixated on the closed door that stood before him. What broke the silence was hid dinam's voice and a soft whoosh of the doors, ushering the Romulan-Reman and his daughter to step forward. As soon as he was in the room, he heard the loud thud of the doors shutting behind him. The air was thick with what could only be described as empty sorrow. Beady little silver eyes glowed behind his tinted sunglasses. He saw his beloved dinam, standing there, hair messy, head slowly turning to look at him. The blue Epohh quickly hopped from Renakir's arms and began to waddle towards Saren. "Dinam," He managed to choke out the words, voice strained as he pushed out the sounds from his throat. "Your epohhs are being cared for. I just fed them and changed their water," He spoke in little more than a whisper, bowing his head downwards to look at Kali-fal. Seeing Saren like this broke his heart, he kept telling himself to be strong but now that he was in the Romulan's presence it was as if all strength had evaporated into the gloomy atmosphere which was Saren's private quarters. Kali-fal sniffed Saren's feet and looked up at him, pleading for attention with all six beady eyes.

The little blur of blue made Saren refocus his gaze on it, his eyes growing softer, just for a bit. His last memory before the... before the attempted murders, was him turning towards the enclosure, a sense of wrongness not quite settled in but there, because he heard Chopin, always the first one to notice trouble, start to whine. Saren saw the three animals collectively flinch, and then he stalked closer to the stage... He blinked, rapidly, and shook his head, pushing the memory away before it swallowed him whole. He then squatted down to Maddy, tentatively offering her a hand. "That's good to hear," he knew they would be well cared for. There were enough people on this station who loved them to go out of their way and do that, Renakir probably being the leader of the list. Still, hearing the confirmation... it did make one of the many new bruises on his soul heal up a bit, the sense of guilt he had for the little critters easing. "Thank you for that, it... means a lot." He looked up at Renakir, concern making the blank expression somewhat more bearable, returning some of the old familiarity into the younger Romulan: "Are you... doing well? Seeing as you're in uniform and... yeah."

Kali-fal jumped when the taller Romulan bent down to offer his hand. She extended her long cat-like tongue and licked Saren's hand with a goofy grin following the action. Her antennae were still pressed against the sides of his head, but her ears had perked up. "It is the least I can do." Renakir breathed a heavy sigh, watching his dinam interact with Kali-fal. For a split second there was a feeling of normalcy. The two of them back together with Kali-fal. It reminded him of when he first received the Romulan animal in the parkland. The way his dearest dinam had playfully bumped shoulders with him, the little smile on his face when Renakir opened the box to reveal the energetic blue girl. What a contrast of flashbacks the two had at the current moment. "Oh umm.. I am not going to be returning to work for... Another week maybe," Renakir tilted his head and rubbed the back of his neck, seemingly embarrassed by the fact. "I... I just felt weird walking around the station in civilian clothes because... I guess just being in uniform makes me feel somewhat normal," He pushed his sunglasses up on his face and crossed his arms. "... How do you like your private quarters? Do you have everything you need here?"

He pet the epohh, giving her a careful skritch between her ears. A soft exhale could be heard as Kali-fal licked his hand, some far relative of a quiet laugh. Almost, but not quite. "Oh! Oh," Saren now felt... a tad stupid for his assumption. "Sorry, yeah, I can see that. I guess I asked because I didn't touch mine yet since..." He was given a clean one. Shoulders innocently white. Undershirt a pretty science blue, not black and sticky with human blood. "... I don't wander around much." He fell silent for a bit, hand mechanically petting Kali-fal. Renakir's question, though, hit him right out of his stupor, making him tense up a bit. Ah. "Yeah, um. I guess I do?" he looked around a bit, despite living here for what now, a couple of days?.. this place was still kind of... empty, and strange, and blatantly lonely. It didn't even feel or look like there was Saren's presence - which he always had in his old quarters, subtle but indesputably there. "They're private, that's good enough for me. It's what I wanted. There's no roommate to... to disturb any further, and I can always retreat here if anything bad, um. Happens."

Kali-fal was absolutely thrilled to get attention despite the high tensions for reasons she could not fully comprehend at the time. Her antennae shot up and she began to make soft yipping noises the longer Saren pet her. The sigh the younger Romulan let out may have gone past the epohh, but Renakir noticed and it made him sigh as well. He could tell there was still much pain in his dinam's voice. He couldn't imagine having to be conscious whilst.... Well, maybe he could, he nearly offed that one Bajoran scientist. "It's alright, it was a logical assumption," Renakir said with a light shrug of his shoulders. Taking another look at Saren he noticed how different they looked. He really did look ready for work whilst his dinam seemed like he was more ready for bed. He took a couple steps closer to Saren and crouched down to be eye level with him and to be within arms reach of his epohh. He made sure to stay a good stabbing distance apart, not because he was scared, but out of respect. He assumed even with their status as dinams that Saren would want his personal space. "I am glad you have your privacy here," Renakir also wondered how Bright was taking all of this too. They seemed to be a good roommate pair, a classic idiot and serious duo. "Have you eaten?" Came the next question as Renakir lifted his gaze to look at Saren. His light silver eyes sparkling behind his sunglasses as he looked at the man. He was worried that Saren would continue to lock himself up and his condition would only worsen. Even if it was just checking in a couple times, he wanted to do something to help his dearest dinam.

The footsteps of his approaching dinam did make the everpresent anxiety in Saren bubble up like hot water, burning him from the inside; he lifted his head, eyes watching Rennie's every movement, gesture so painfully, stereotypically Romulan - it felt like he lost all of his hard-earned progress. Just like that, with a flash of a knife. Five years wasted, and for what? "... He was... and probably is, really angry at me," Saren finally uttered, averting his eyes. "Don't think he'll want to deal with me anymore. I just... decided to make it easier. For everyone involved, really." He sat down on the floor with a quiet grunt, now using both of his hands to pet Kali-fal. "Yeah, I did," Saren answered, somewhat dismissively, as he glanced at Renakir. "Not much... but good enough for me. I don't have much appetite left, I'm afraid."

Renakir frowned when he heard Saren say that, along with the reaction he got when he approached. Kali-fal looked up at Saren and then towards Renakir, her antennae resting on the sides of her head along with her floppy ears. She was enjoying the pets from Saren, but she also sensed something was wrong, but she could do little more than make soft squeaking noises. "I don't think so, Jack seemed concerned for you when we were in the brig," Renakir wasn't particularly close to Jack, but everyone knew that Saren had not acted out of his own free will. "But I understand wanting time to yourself. You will always have me though," Renakir wanted to tell Saren that 'no, that's not it, no one hates you', but he was also dealing with his own self doubt and such words would be hallow. He held out his hand for Kali-fal and she gave his palm a nice lick before her attention went back to Saren. She was trying to comfort the man, but it was hard when she was just a simple ale-coloured epohh. "I am glad you're eating," Renakir also plopped his butt on the floor and hugged his knees to his chest as he watched his dinam and epohh interact. "I think she missed you too," As he said that, Kali-fal rolled onto her belly and wiggled all four limbs. "And have you been sleeping?"

He saw the frown, and was quick to look away, maybe pretending that he didn't notice it. Saren... knew already what Renakir might had to say. Amd some part of him was glad that his brother didn't. Was he? Saren didn't remember that. To be fair, he didn't remember most of what transpired in the brig - memories too fuzzy right until they weren't, until they came back to him cruelly, too bright and too vivid. No, he was busy then. Focused on the words said to him, focused on the too fast rhythm of his beating heart that seemed to be lodged i his throat now at all times. His mind then was still busy reeling and stumbling after his body commited such atrocities. "Sleep?" Saren asked dumbly with a hollow chuckle. "I sleep when my mind allows me to. Too often I see... I see... Gods, Renakir..." Ah. He lifted his hands up to cover the sides of his face and ears, either in a feeble attempt to block out the sounds only he could hear, or maybe to comfort himself. "They're so... they're so fragile," Saren uttered, voice slowly but surely going tighter and tighter as he went on, stumbling through his words. "Skin too thin, bones t-too brittle, heartbeat too slow, it... it was so-- it was so easy to hurt them both... They didn't fight back, not even... not..." He covered his mouth then, maybe willing himself to shut the fuck up. Rennie didn't need to hear all of this. To be forced into some... into some comforter role. But he still went on. Maybe he was possessed, again?.. "And I did nothing to stop any of that... Nothing, I just let myself strike again.. a-and again and again and--"

The room fell eerily silent after his question, so much that Kali-fal let out a whine to fill the gap in the atmosphere. "Sa..Ren?" Renakir's eyes widened as he watched as Saren's hands press against the sides of his face. Other than their own voices, the room was silent, leading Renakir to believe that his dinam was most likely reliving the horrors of that day. Kali-fal moved closer to Saren, bumping her head against his leg in an attempt to help bring his mind back to reality. Meanwhile Renakir just watched and listened, letting the other speak about the event in his own words. Renakir had only been an observer and even when he was possessed, he hadn't commited any physical acts of violence like Saren was forced to. Before Saren could continue, Renakir had moved a little closer to him, moving on his hands and knees. "Dinam, Saren, it wasn't your fault. You couldn't fight back, none of us could," It pained him to see Saren like this and he wasn't going to sit idly by, not when he could do something. He wanted to hold Saren, hug him and tell him it was all over and things were fine now, but could he really say it was over? When his dinam was reliving the horrors of that day.

The epohh's bump did help a bit - it was noticeable enough to go right through his haze, but at the same time gentle enough not to be too much for him. "Sorry," Saren exhaled, not specifying who the apology was meant for as his trembling hand drowned itself in Kali's fur, finding anchor. "I can't help but think about all the things I could've done differently there," he told Renakir, squirming slightly at the sight of the half-Reman moving closer to him. But... this was fine, right? "I shouldn't have had that knife with me. I should've tried harder, been smarter..." He fell silent for a while, just taking in deep breaths. Slowly, reluctantly, he reached out a hand towards his brother - despite the fear, touch was still one of the only things that offered the most comfort for the Romulan. An ironic - and in this case, somewhat sad - contradiction. "... Captain Mo was one of the first people here who I've talked to and could trust. Someone I still look up to and have... considered my friend," Saren muttered, looking at some invisible point on the ground. "I desperately want to make sure that he is okay, and it's... it's probably only right to do that, but I just... I just can't, and, fuck, I just keep on fucking it up, don't I? I hate this. I hate this so much..."

Kali-fal made a soft purring noise, the vibrations travelling down her body and up through Saren's fingertips. The epohh sensed that her actions were doing something good as the Romulan had stopped his train of thought. "That may be true, but there is no way any of us could have known," It absolutely broke his heart to hear his dinam blaming himself. It wasn't Saren's-- or anyone else's fault for that matter. Renakir stayed still as silence soon filled the room. He looked up towards Saren, only to see the man reaching towards him. Instinctually he lifted his hand for the other, making sure not to move any closer as he didn't want to frighten the already distressed Romulan. Long grey fingers extended in an open palm gesture, silver eyes careful not to look directly at Saren. "Whilst I can't say I know what the Captain is thinking, he strikes me as the type of guy who is also worried about you," Renakir took a deep breath and bowed his head again. "One step forward is still progress and when you are ready you know I'll be supporting you no matter what. Me and all of our friends are cheering for you. I mean... Isn't that why practically the whole scientist department was in the brig?" Renakir may not have had very clear memories of that specific event, but he vaguely remembered Evoras' actions when she and Paco literally yeeted Nirral from Saren's body. Kali-fal shook her little tail and looked at Saren with a pleading expression.

Saren's hand hovered over Renakir's, before eventually lowering itself down into the older man's palm - it being much colder than Saren's. He gave it a gentle squeeze, flexing his fingers, feeling them belong to him and him only. "I just thought that people wanted to learn the truth..." he muttered, his other hand still in Kali-fal's mane. "Our division is... usually not associated with things that happened that day. Though..." Commander's words came to mind - said out of rage and fear, sure, but... maybe there was a grain if truth there, some belief in the human's words. "Nevermind. I just... I hoped to show that our kind can be trusted in the fleet, but instead I feel like I, ah... fucked that up. Just another thing on my lenghty list, really," Saren sighed, pressing his bent knees closer to his body, still feeling miserable, but the solid presence of Renakir here... it did make a small yet significant difference. "Renakir, I think that what I am really afraid of in all of this is, ah. Myself."

Renakir stayed perfectly still when he felt his fingers touch Saren's. He knew that any sudden twitch or movement could shock the Romulan, even going as far as to hold his breath for a moment until he heard the other speak again. He listened closely as Saren spoke, taking in ever word whilst at the same time keeping a gentle grasp around the other's. "Saren," His voice was breathy as he said the name. He spoke barely above a whisper as he gazed at his brother, speaking so soft, like he was trying to embrace the other with just his voice. Kali-fal nuzzled her head against Saren's leg, her lil nose pressing against it. "I understand... When I was in the Academy, I did everything I could to not stand out. Hid a lot of who I was just so my presence wasn't so intimidating. That's why I am always amazed at people like you. Who could find success without having to hide what makes us uniquely Romulan," Renakir's cold fingers curled around Saren's, his gaze meeting the other's. Even if Saren couldn't see his eyes, he hoped he could at least see the warm expression on his face. "I think what I am trying to say is I think you're a really cool guy and I know you can succeed. I will be here with you, every step of the way. We're dinams, even greater than just normal dinams, we're Reman dinams."

After being so unkind to himself, the simple and familiar gesture of having his hand held in his dinam's firm yet reassuring grasp felt like a bridge to normalcy - a shaky, narrow one, made of wood planks and old rope and many, many prayers. Yet it was there, waiting for him, just like Renakir had said in that infinite patience of his that the half-Reman could always somehow muster up when dealing with Saren's lowest points. If only his legs didn't shake so bad at the mere thought of stepping on that bridge. Patience. Yeah. People who he allowed to approach him were united in their patience for him - be it Eshen (his beloved), coaxing him out of his shell, or Renakir, sitting in front of him and waiting for Saren to react back, like if dealing with a particularly jumpy hatham, and many more. It was touching, it was embarrassing, it was hope giving and soul crushing. Maybe the word "patience" wasn't the correct term to use here. "Yeah, I didn't hide it. And look where that ended up," he answered, finally looking up at Renakir, exasperated, yet squeezing his hand back. "I don't know what to do anymore, and... are you sure you can name me such things? You know my family wasn't, ah... very popular with Remans." An understatement, really. (edited)

Renakir was thankful that Saren was taking this step. He knew physical contact, especially hand holding, was a bit of a personal thing amongst their people. It was less so for Remans, but Renakir, just like Saren, had been raised Romulan and so was aware of the nuances and significance of such an action. Kali-fal watched as the exchange happened, sitting there in silence, ears and antennae flush against the sides of her head. "No one thought our people's road to Starfleet was going to be easy," Renakir squeezed Saren's hand back, seeing the other's exasperated face and trying to resist pulling the other into a hug. "Yes, and hey, you're speaking to a Torre'vnau. You know how many mines we owned on Remus, Torre'vnau Dilithium. Brought to you by these hands," Renakir lifted his hand that was not holding Saren's and wiggled his skinny grey spider fingers. "Mmm, I will always stand by your side and I know you would do the same for me. So, what do you think of the name Sisarix for your Reman name? My name is bearer of light, Sisarix is beacon of hope, I think it suits you," Renakir spoke slowly, but the way the Reman name rolled off his tongue made it clear it was not some spur of the moment thing, he had actually been considering it for a long time. As soon as he said the name, Kali-fal perked up and opened her mouth, all six eyes on Saren.

A scoff could be heard, as the Romulan shook his head, a grimace setting in. "Uh-huh. Sure. But I would really prefer if that road was not paved in someone's literal fucking blood!" he gritted out, immediately regretting the harsher tone; that was evident in the way Saren winced, voice turning apologetic. "Sorry, I didn't-- don't take that personally, please. I am very grateful that you are here, truly. But... what happened, happened. Nothing can change that, and... I do not look forward to the consequences that will come because of this. Because of... us." Meaning him and Nirral. Saren, it seemed, still couldn't separate himself from the horrors that happened. The Romulan's brows then furrowed, and he looked at Renakir - really looked, trying to find a hint of a joke there, finding none. "My what?.." he asked, dumbfounded. "Did you just... give me a name?" And a Reman one at that. He heard of Remans giving other species names - hell, one of his own family was an example of that - but him? He looked away, focusing on Kali-fal for a bit, lips moving as he soundlessly repeated the name. "Are you sure?.. It's... it's an honor, it really is, but are you really sure?" he asked softly, as if giving Renakir plenty of time to reconsider while he resumed petting the epohh. Remans were different with their names - they didn't have a bunch of them for every occasion, for once. But Saren was a Romulan, in blood and upbringing and history, and the fact that his dinam was giving him a name was... it was important. It was a lot to take in. It was something uniquely theirs, a symbol of their bond perhaps? Ro... someone he knew, would be proud, he thought unhelpfully. Maybe. He did not know that man well enough to be sure. But that was... a much better, healthier thought than his usual ones. Because Irok would definitely burst a vein out of pure rage if he ever learned about this - and many other decisions Saren has made in these past months. (edited)

Renakir flinched at the sudden bit of spite that came from Saren's mouth. As if he had just angered a sleeping dog, Renakir's whole body tensed up but he didn't let go of the other's hand. In fact his grip tightened, as if trying to reel his dinam back to reality. "No, no, it's alright," He exhaled and fell silent as he watched the reaction from Kali-fal. She didn't seem alarmed by the scene unfolding in front of her, just nuzzling against Saren's leg and making soft purring noises. A soft smile could be seen on both Renakir and his daughter's face as the words of appreciation poured into their ears. At the mention of consequences his first thought was formal disciplinary consequences, but giving the other's words a second thought he realised he was probably speaking about the emotional ones. He grimaced slightly at the mention and looked away from Saren and Kali-fal. "Things will take time to heal and that's alright. And if you need anything, I'm only a few taps away," Renakir gently squeezed Saren's hand. "And yes, I did and you are Reman. It is a sign of our bond," Renakir took a chance and moved a tiny bit closer to Saren, now with his knees also touching Kali-fal. "Thank you, Saren. For standing beside me, I want to return your kindness, because you deserve it. You always have," As he whispered those words he slowly moved this thumb against the top of Saren's hand in a soothing motion. The low tone of his voice filled the otherwise silent room, as if Renakir was trying to embrace the other with the softness of the sound. Affection wasn't absent from Romulan society, but weaved into the subtleties of their language and actions.

"They sure will, yeah... I'm still worried about all the people involved in that mess, and especially people that I... the two who have been hurt the most," he fell silent then, listening to what Renakir had to say, watching him move closer - a risky endeavor, but for now, the Romulan did not seem to mind. Truly, like taming a wild horse. Kindness? His dinam spoke like if Saren had done something extraordinary. He did not. But, maybe... it just showed how shitty his kin has been to the half-Reman in the past. And that made Saren sigh something heavy and look away. "I'm sorry that Nirral also got to you, and I couldn't do anything to stop that," he said quietly, fighting down the urge to bristle at the other's movement. Renakir was getting too comfortable. And when people around him got too comfortable, they got hurt. Maybe that was why he was so careful in the Academy, making that extra effort for no one to approach him too close? And now he forgot all about that, and look where that got him. Look where that got Mephis. Suddenly aware that he was just... fucking staring at some invisible dot on the ground all the while he was too busy thinking about all of that, Saren blinked, quickly, forcing himself back into reality. "How is your, um... re-integration into the station's life going?" he decided to ask, as if his staring spell will go unnoticed by Renakir because of that.

"As anyone would be. Your concern is a sign of you empathy and... You're kind nature," Renakir paused before saying the last bit, debating on what words to use but he thought 'kind nature' was most appropriate in this situation. He truly believed that. It didn't matter who Saren's family was or what they did, Renakir only saw his dinam. He took it as a good sign that Saren didn't flinch away when he inched closer, but Renakir wasn't going to push his luck. He noticed Kali-fal seemed a little calmer too, the side of her face smooshed up against the Romulan's leg as she relaxed, happy to be between her father and godfather. ".. It's alright. It's not like there's any ghost-be-gone like insect repellent. I mean, I did hold a seance a couple months back but I guess that stuff is just smoke and mirrors," Renakir said with a subtle shrug and a lighthearted chuckle. He noticed Saren staring off away from him and closed his eyes for fear that the other could have felt his gaze. Renakir's eyes were hidden, but even non telepaths could sense if someone was staring at him. To Saren's question, Renakir fell silent for a moment. "Um," He began, running his free hand through his hair and inhaling sharply. "It's... Alright. I apologised to Mallory and Paco. They don't hold anything against me. Paco is back to work, Mallory is getting there. I haven't had to courage to face the Bajoran with the wood, that may take some time," Renakir exhaled and looked down at his epohh. "I... spent my whole Starfleet career doing everything I could to be non threatening, and now that everyone has seen what i could be... i notice more people step aside when I walk by, they stare... Maybe I'm just being paranoid," Renakir's mind wanted to jump to conclusions and confirmation bias, when the logic part of his brain was telling him nothing had actually changed and people just moved aside because it was the polite thing to do and people started because he was tall.

The Romulan said nothing to that - unsure himself where "being a decent person" and "exhibiting kindness" started or ended or crossed over, Saren decided against arguing with Renakir about that. A smart choice, perhaps. "Be fair, Renakir. He wasn't... he wasn't a ghost, not really. He..." oh, nope. Saren swallowed a lump in his throat before shaking his head, "Actually, let's not talk about that. But, I don't know if you know - I, um, visited him. It felt wrong not to send him off from a Starfleet property without a proper goodbye. So... yeah." Providing comfort for the deceased before taking care of himself was... very Saren of him. Not the first time, too. Hearing hesitation in his dinam's voice, Saren inclined his head: "Ah. You're still braver than I am - I really don't want to go out and remind people of... what happened and what I did. And, about the Bajoran..." He thought about it for a second, absent-mindedly petting Kali's back. "... Perhaps he will be scared. Nalas was rather wary of me, at first. But he's... he's not a bad guy. Take it slow." Saren then grimaced at the paranoia part: "Yeah, I... I worry about the same thing. We're... kinda on the same page, here, huh."

"It's alright," Renakir said in response to talking about what exactly Nirral was. He fell silent when Saren spoke about visiting the man before he was sent off. Maybe it was dinam to dinam connection, but he had a feeling that's what Saren had done. Hearing about it now though, he was starting to feel a little guilty for not doing the same. His fingers were still wrapped around Saren's, but his mind grew distant for a moment before he responded. "I am glad you did that. I was... Actually a little worried that there wasn't going to be a Romulan to give him a proper send off," Renakir held his other hand in front of Kali-fal so she could sniff and lick it, it seemed like interacting with the two of them was starting to calm her down. "Did... Did you meet his family? If he had any?" Was his second thought when Saren mentioned visiting Nirral. He wasn't sure if the dead man had any living family-- any living family that were able to visit him. The way Saren spoke about it made it sound like there was not, but he was curious. "And.. I don't know when I will be able to face Nalas. To be honest, I don't know if I'm ready to go back to work," Renakir sighed, letting Kali-fal lick his hand and give it a soft chomp. He didn't mind if she nibbled, it wasn't like she was trying to hurt him. "I have been thinking about.. Taking short leave for a bit, visiting home. Something to clear my mind."

Saren shook his head: "No, I did not. But Starfleet had managed to identify him, give him back his names-- most of them. And... then they also found his family. They're on Mol'Rih--" Suddenly his eyes widened, and with a rushed "oh, shit!" Saren stood up (after gently pushing Kali-fal out of his way), and made his way to the computer. "Sorry, I was writing a reply to my dad-- and I forgot to send it," he explained sheepishly, feeling awkward. Damn his brain for being all over the place! Talai was probably getting even more worried, which only added to the absolute shit mood Saren was in. "Anyways, as I was saying... there are some other members of the Havraha House on Mol'Rihan- and that's where they will be transporting him. In the end... it's going to be okay for him." The Romulan then hit send on his keyboard, and turned back to face his brother, rubbing his eyes. Funny. Supposedly Nirral was a "ghost", yet it was Saren who looked like one, face pale, the slight hunch in his shoulders accentuated from the back by the screen's blue light. He inhaled a breath, hearing Renakir talk about a potential shore leave. An understandable and probably a very smart decision, but... the perspective of his dinam leaving and him being alone on the station was... scary. A stupid, dumb little fear in his overly paranoid mind, but a persistent one. "It sounds like a good idea," he voiced his approval instead, refusing to emotionally leech off of the older officer any more. "When do you want to do it?"

Renakir nodded as Saren explained what happened to Nirral. He was glad that he had family on Mol'Rihan, at least someone could carry on his legacy. Kali-fal reacted to Saren's sudden movements first, letting out a tiny 'yip' before rushing over to Renakir. The quick release of their joined hands on top of the little headbutt from his epohh sent Renakir rolling onto his side. Kali-fal took this opportunity to climb on top of her father, but she was only queen of the mountain for a couple moments before Renakir sat up and held her close to his chest. "It's alright," Renakir loosened his grip on Kali-fal and sat in silence while Saren finished up his letter. He knew how important it was to talk to family, he was starting to regret not spending more time with Tiravurik. He gently ran his hand through Kali-fal's fur as he watched his dinam stare at the screen.The blue light somehow made the younger look paler, and mixed with the solemn atmosphere he could really see how much of a toll all of the events had taken on Saren. As the two sat in silence for the few moments Saren took to send the message, Renakir found himself missing the warmth of the other's hand, it was an odd sensation "I am glad his story will have a good ending," Back on the topic of Nirral, Renakir still regretted not visiting him. But perhaps he could ask his father to send something to the family as a mourning gift? "I don't know... Maybe soon. I am going to ask Tiravurik if he would come along," Renakir had his cousin on the station too, but he didn't want to burden Jijix with this. He looked closely at Saren, wondering if shore leave was really the right way to go about dealing with his own emotions. "... But I don't want to leave you here alone, dinam."

14:35

As Renakir said that, Kali-fal jumped out of his arms and shuffled over to Saren's feet, leaving Renakir with his hands out in front of him, palms up. A gesture of openness and trust.

"It's alright." No, it wasn't. And hearing Renakir say that again, that him being all over the place like a fucking idiot was okay, almost made Saren bristle again. If he thought about it too much, it felt so... it felt so fucking patronizing. Look at him, being handled like something fragile. Like some fucking bomb, which, Gods forbid, would explode at any moment from a touch too rough. Or a porcelain doll, which was somehow even worse. Starfleet was doing the same to him. Why? And wasn't that - all of that - just so fucking stupid, coming from him? Fucking hypocritical? Saren fell into irritation so easily now, and that, in turn, made him feel only worse - because how fucking dare he, feel anything but remorse? He wasn't the one who should feel anger, he-- "You don't have to..." he stopped, exhaled, and began again, schooling his voice into something more neutral, more palatable to himself, after letting a frustrated sigh. "You don't have to stay here and deny yourself shore leave because of me. Sure, I'll miss you, but... but please don't do that. I would rather see you take care of yourself, not be... forced to keep an eye on me or something like that. It's fine, it really is. Besides... I think Tiravurik would love to spend some time with you." And Saren could think of one, maybe even two people, who would very likely also try to talk with him, at some point. But that little thought was kept to himself. He then reached down to pick up Kali-fal, giving the epohh a gentle pat on the head: "Keep taking care of him, okay? Good girl," Saren murmured as he walked closer to his brother, giving his gesture a long, considerate stare... but decided against the hug with a defeated sigh. No. He couldn't. Maybe even shouldn't. "Do you think... things will ever go back to normal?.." Saren asked quietly, not even a hint of hope in his voice. "I have survived worse things, but this time, it feels... it feels really fucking bad." (edited)

Renakir may not have been telepathic, but he knew what a troubled Saren looked like and he had never seen his dinam like this before. It was to be expected though, was anyone really normal after the science fair? Renakir lifted his eyebrows ever so slightly when he heard his brother's voice trail off, then exhale, then speak again. Kali-fal sensed the discomfort too, as evident by the wobble in her antennae as Saren touched her head. "I know I don't have to but.. You're my dinam," Renakir was now starting to regret saying anything. He wanted to see his family, his father, mother, Kianarix... But he wasn't sure if it was worth it to leave Saren all alone during that time. He stared right back at Saren, wondering what the other would do, but as soon as he heard the sigh, he pulled his arms back and looked away. Maybe it was too soon? But he wanted to be close, he wanted to comfort his dinam, but he would be patient, For now he observed as Kali-fal enjoyed the attention she was getting, the few words Saren had murmured were a mystery to Renakir, but it seemed to put his epohh at ease. "I am not sure what 'normal' is anymore," Renakir responded honestly, his head turned away from Saren as he spoke softly, giving the question some thought. "I think this will just be our normal for a while," A heavy sigh followed, then he ran his fingers through his hair, pulling his fringe back to expose his forehead. "I think it'll be alright in the end," Renakir's voice was light and his words were hesitant as if he was unsure of the idea himself. "My dad is allergic to epohhs, by the way. I was thinking of just leaving her with the biosci trio, unless you'd be alright having her here?" Renakir finally looked at Saren, Kali-fal made a soft squeaking noise at the news even if she didn't understand.

"I know. I know," he shook his head a bit. "And I cherish that, I do. I really do..." But Renakir probably needed this. Needed his family, his home, his homeworld... "... I also want you to be alright," he finally said, looking at Renakir - straight in the eyes. "And if that first step towards normalcy for you is to spend some time with your family, I shouldn't hold you back. Now..." He looked down at Kali-fal, thinking. She was an active one, so forcing her to spend time with him locked in his quarters seemed mean. Besides... who knew how she would react to his more restless moments of sleep? He didn't want to scare her. "I'm not sure what is the best decision here. At least in the lab, she will be routinely cared for, and she will have good company. I don't know, maybe... I can do it in shifts. Whatever is the best option."

Renakir felt his chest tighten and his heart beat a little faster when Saren looekd him straight in the eyes. As if the man could see right past his sunglasses. Who was he kidding, him and Saren were dinams, the man could probably lock eyes with him even if both of them were completely blind. "T-Thank you," Renakir said softly as his eyes drifted back to Kali-fal who frankly looked like she never wanted to leave Saren's company. "I'll keep her at the biosci lab then, if you want to see her I can have someone bring her to you so you don't have to leave," Renakir knew it would take some time before Saren felt comfortable to walk about the station again and that was understandable. He had a lot of good friends in OPS who would be happy to deliver his fluffy daughter to his dinam. [D] The proceeding events were as close to normal as they could get. The two chatted a little while longer, gave Kali-fal attention, before it was time to go their separate ways. Renakir had to prepare to visit his family and Saren needed more time to himself. Even if they were going to be apart, Renakir was going to check in with Saren so that his dinam would never feel completely cut off from the world.

[D] A sense of restlessness, settled deep inside of his very being, woke him up. Or, rather, it didn't even feel like waking up usually did - Saren just opened his eyes, suddenly lacking sleep, it replaced with a general feeling of wrongness. And also, his side hurt. No. An understatement. It hurt. Pulsing like a festering wound, feeling of something cold against his skin that never was there when he looked, a ghost gripping him tightly in it's unkind arms, a weight on his neck and chest, just... there. And Saren knew what this was, but still, still he reached out and checked the date, as if needing that visual, factual confirmation for what he was feeling, like he didn't know already. And of course, there it was. "... Ten years, huh." A decade. It was hard to grasp that, in a few days, it will be the ten year anniversary of the date that his birthplace was lost - burned, destroyed, forgotten. Another day when countless lives were lost, be it family or friends. Just another checkmark on the list of colonies his own people sought out to destroy. Saren stood up, untangling himself from the weighted blanked and instead wrapping himself up in a throw, made his way to the computer. All the while one of his hands was tucked under his shirt, massaging his scarred up skin with his fingertips. As soon as he reached the chair he sat down, legs pressed close to his chest, to then just... sit there, staring somewhere ahead of him, feeling weirdly detached from his own body.

03:58

He and his scars had a complicated relationship. Saren never went to erase them, instead carrying them on himself like some fucked up proof of what had happened on Llaiir Prime. Eventually, he couldn't imagine himself no more without them - and yet they seemed... ugly. Always worse looking in his mind than what they were in reality - and he almost felt bad about his warped perception, for the medical team that brought him back did such a good job with patching him up, fuck, his own mother worked alongside them... and yet. Time helped, though. And his conspirator, his ullienen, did too. Saren blinked, finding the screen lit and his messages pulled up. Ah. Right. He might as well. x_divider

(edited)

03:59

To: Captain Mephistopheles Mo Sir, I formally request a five day shore leave. 7th of May is an important date for me, and I wish to visit my birthplace for a remembrance day. I will notify our CSO shortly. Thank you. P.S. I may also meet my family. Please inform Bandit that she will get another gift soon.

To: Lieutenant Renakir tr'Torre'vnau Dinam, at the end of this week I will have to leave the station for a short while. I want to go to Llaiir, to see my home again for the anniversary. I will also probably visit my family on Mol'Rihan. Take care. P.S. There's a bag of dried snacks left near the epohh enclosure. You're free to try them out with Kali, maybe she'll enjoy them? Chopin is not a fan.

04:00

To: Lieutenant Eshen K'Tann Making sure to inform you that I will be absent from the station for a couple of days. I need to visit my home colony... I haven't been there for ten years, actually. I will be fine, don't worry. P.S. I love you.

To: Lt. JG. Allan Allen I'm sure Eshen would tell you, but - I will be gone from the station for a couple of days. Heavy stuff, but it's fine, and I'm fine - just informing you so you don't worry. P.S. When I return, I want to talk with you. Nothing scary, I promise - just something I noticed during the mission on IRW Kinaen.

To: Ensign Mallory LaCroix Hi. I will be absent from the station for a couple of days - taking a shore leave to visit an important place. If you have time, I would be glad if you could spend some of it with the epohhs. Not an obligation - but they like attention. Thank you nonetheless. P.S. The place that I'm going to is where the stories I want to share with you were told to me. Maybe I'll remember some of them better? Expect first drafts when I come back...

04:01

To: Talai i-Dartha tr'Lareth Dad, I made up my mind. I will be going to Llaiir. I want to see it again, and see the monument you told me about. Maybe it will be easier, after this. Don't worry about me, I will visit you all soon after that. P.S. About that thing with Rojin - I am sure that could be done. How about he visits the station? Anyways, we can talk in detail about that when I visit.

A ping rang out on Syrax's personal PADD, informing the currently absent man about the arrival of a message - one that he, upon his return, would not be all to happy to see...

To: Syrax i-Mhiessan tr'Morvar From: Orum i-Mhiessan tr'Morvar Syrax, We have moved to Mol'Rihan. Considering that now is your shore leave, I expect you to visit us - it's been far too long. Grandmother S'anra is upset, thinking you're purposefully avoiding us. At least do this for her, will you? She's too senile for stress. The directions are in the attachment. Orum.

[D] It was not too long after the shore leave when Saren was sitting in the living room of his quarters, curled up on the sofa with a book in his lap, surrounded by the gentle, relaxing hum of the massive station he called his second home, and the warmth of both a Starfleet-issued blanket, and his own, childhood one - one that he had recovered from Llaiir Prime, had cleaned and mended for him by his mother. While not as vibrant as he remembered it being, and much, much smaller... it was still as comfortable as ever. The quarters themselves felt comfortable, too - a stark contrast to what they were like when he just moved in here. Once a self-inflicted prison, now it was slowly, yet surely turning into something they were supposed to be. Time helped, healing helped, and the acquirement of a new roommate, too, helped. He flipped the page of his copy of "Master and Margarita", but didn't read any further, instead choosing to lift his head and take a look at the door. While he was happy to hear that his cousin would be moving to the starbase and serving here, Syrax... he was still a stranger to him, despite the blood relation. He was no Renakir whom Saren learned to understand and read. He was no Ravana or Callub, who Saren could understand without the need of any words. No, the older Romulan was surprisingly hard to read, despite his outgoing personality. That same Romulan, who sheepishly and awkwardly denied Saren's offer to go to Mol'Rihan, despite Syrax's very obvious excitement and longing to meet his aunt, was currently missing from Saren's radar. And as someone who preferred to at least approximately know where people whom he cared for were, Saren couldn't help but feel a twinge of worry for his cousin. Last time they spoke, Syrax told him that he would be going to visit his own family, the enigmatic Morvars, who, if Saren understood Sy's hurried explanation correctly, for some reason moved from Vulcan to live on Mol'Rihan. (edited)

16:26

Which meant that Syrax was nearby, and yet... and yet, and yet. So here he was, waiting for him. (edited)

Then suddenly, about half an hour later, the doors swooshed open, revealing the culprit of Saren's worries - Syrax stepped in with an obvious urgency in his stride, his bag slipping halfway off of his arm - and that's when Syrax noticed Saren, sitting on the sofa and staring right back at him, as calm and unmoving as a marble statue. There's a brief moment when Sy just blinks, continuing to hold that stare. It was... eery, almost, finding that angular face in front of himself, body stretched out comfortably on the sofa like the man owned this place-- which, yeah, wait, of course he did. It's Saren, and he did. The fact that now he was living on a starbase, sharing a room with a cousin he had presumed dead for a good amount of years, was still something Syrax needed to wrap his head around... So he shook his head, chasing away that deep, upset frown that had settled in on his features ever since the beginning of his shore leave, and straightened his spine out, giving the quieter Romulan a crooked grin, being careful to avoid stretching his bruised lower lip: "Oh, hey there! Didn't notice you. Sorry for barging in like that, I hope I didn't, um, wake you up or something," he explained, putting his bag back on his shoulder. "I kinda expected the place to be empty or you being in your room... but, nevermind that! So, how was your shore leave?.."

He didn't even flinch at the sudden entrance - for he could hear Syrax down the corridor, venturing down with the haste of an agitated hatham. And it was... confusing, if not weird, because the one thing that Saren had learned about his cousin during the short time they have spent together is that Syrax, just like him, just like many Romulans really, preferred to move quietly. The man that stepped inside of their shared quarters felt agitated, and didn't even notice him sitting there at first - until those dark, stormy eyes finally landed on Saren, and that made Syrax pause his haste. And while he was standing there, clearly trying to process the scene, Saren was shamelessly studying him. The slightly disheveled look (Sy loved attention, and he always took his time to appear neat, so... why?..), the tired look in his eyes, and the-- Sy began to talk, but Saren ignored him, all of his attention zeroing in on that split lip. It was healed - mostly, clearly without usage of any dermal regenerator or anything similar. It didn't look like an accidental bite. It was a bruise. Why was there a bruise? It wasn't until the helmsman gave Saren a slightly puzzled look did he understand that Sy was expecting an answer out of him - fuck, how long did the awkward silence last? "Oh, uh... it was good. My stay at family home was lovely - shame that you didn't go with me, mom was... she... well, she was kind of expecting you to come." x_divider

16:51

She even had a guest room prepared - to the point that it felt like a proper, permanent room for a family member. It made Saren's heart clench, remembering the soft, disheartened "oh" his mother said under her breath, upon learning that Sy, in fact, did not arrive with him. "But, she - we - are always ready to welcome you, be it shore leave or not," he put his book away and stood up, coming closer to Syrax until he was mere few steps away from the older Romulan. "And don't worry, you didn't wake me up or something like that. I was... waiting for you, actually. Just wanted to make sure that you came back. These are your quarters also, remember?"

He saw Saren's eyes widen, his mouth turning into a thin line; it takes Syrax a few quickened, anxious heartbeats to recognize that those green eyes were looking at his mouth, at the bruise on his lip. Sy turned his head, but it's too late - evident by the heavy silence that hangs in between them, until Saren caught up on that, and tried to gloss over his hiccup. For some reason, Syrax immediately felt irritation swell up in his veins. Less for Saren's prying eyes, more for his dumb, stupid brain for forgetting about this thing. Fuck, just how many people have noticed?.. No one looked, though. As far as he could remember. News about aunt Arinn only make him feel worse - because oh, great. He disappointed her. How fucking fantastic, another fuck-up on his part. "Shit, I'm-- I'm sorry, it's just that-- I got a message from father, and he ins-- he really wanted me to see the new home they got," Sy then grimaced, deciding to slow down to try and not to stumble as much. He shrugged at Saren's slow approach - his mind couldn't help but compare it to a scientist slowly approaching an anxious iymn'irhhae. "I will visit whenever I get the next chance, though. Still want to see Arinn, and your dad, and my... my younger cousins - twins, right? Still can't believe that I have so many, huh." He talked as he made a beeline towards his bedroom, acutely aware that Saren followed. "As for me - well, it's certainly nicer that Vulcan, in my opinion. I think I like it on Mol'Rihan," his voice fell into an easy cadence, finding telling truth easy and calming - for Syrax really did fall in love with the new Romulan homeworld almost too quickly. "I wanna see the Dynt'aiha region next! Got any excursions planned there soon, one that would need a helmsman to get there?" He turned towards Saren then, giving him a small smile: "By the way, I, uh, kinda wanna change right now? Would you mind leaving?.."

"It's okay, she figured out that you're busy, And just as I said, you're always welcome in my house. I mean it, Syrax," Saren was quick to reassure. "He wanted me to see the new home they got." It could be nothing, it could be Syrax's way of speaking, but Saren couldn't help but nitpick at that sentence, try and tear it apart to find evidence for something, anything, that could shine some light on this. Because if this was an aftermath of some sort of quick thing his cousin had, Sy wouldn't be so adamant to hide it away, right? He would explain it, awkwardly yet cockily, and he wouldn't be looking so fucking defeated?.. "Yeah, twins. Your family is... much, much bigger than you think. There's also our uncle, my father's brother - he will work on the station, actually. He also expressed interest in meeting you, so whenever his bar's up and running, we should go there together..." Syrax goes, and Saren follows - like a guardian shadow behind the broad back and hunched shoulders, and there's an almost irresistible urge to put his hand between them and gift this man at least some familiarity and comfort, because it almost felt like he got none from that damn family visit. "You do?" he asked instead, urging Syrax to talk more. Saren stopped at the entrance to his cousin's bedroom, leaning on the doorframe, not allowing the automatic doors to slide close. A deliberate choice on his part. "Well, if anything like that does pop up, you will be amongst the first to learn that. I promise you." His teeth click as he shuts his mouth, briefly flabbergasted by Syrax's request: "... Since when are you shy of changing clothes in front of someone? I've literally seen you shirtless before?.. Why now you're--" x_divider

20:22

And perhaps it sounded like a stupid, dumb, reaching accusation, but he couldn't help it - couldn't shut out the incessant ringing of alarm bells in his head, because currently his sibling was acting way too anxious and out-of-character for it to be normal, all meanwhile sporting a fucking bruise on his face, and-- "Syrax, did something happen?.." Saren finally blurted out, tone of his voice climbing a few notes up, tight with some unexplainable, stifling sense of dread, because fuck, fuck, the whatever the fuck that was going on right now - he hoped, really hoped that he was imagining it right now. That it really was nothing, and that Saren only imagined his cousin getting into a physical fight, bad enough that it shook Syrax - tall, strong, intimidating Starfleet officer - to his fucking core. He had to be imagining that.

An inarticulate sound was the answer to Saren's words. His soul felt weirdly fluttery and weak as his cousin continued to insist on his words, as if trying to convince Syrax to trust him - and his words sounded good, perfect even. Then why this dreadful feeling?.. He nodded along, the news about the existence of another enigmatic Lareth not quite settling in his brains, it being unable to digest and parse the words being said to him. Instead there was an anxious buzz, a perfect echo of those alarm bells that were chiming in Saren's mind, because he was being followed into his room, green eyes burning two perfect holes in his back, because Saren clearly wasn't stupid, and was onto something, suspicious, wary. And it was, again, awfully irritating-- And then - ahh, there it was. He was suspicious of him. His bag drops on the ground, an overly dramatic statement, just as Syrax's head whipped sharply in Saren's direction, giving the younger Romulan a furrowed glare. "Why I'm what? Saren, this is my room, no? Can I have some privacy, please?" He hates how, despite a loud, sudden sound, Saren kept still. Seemingly unbothered by his sudden splash of emotions, which makes Syrax feel inadequate, suddenly. Perhaps he would've been able to handle it better, were it not for compassion and concern in his cousin's eyes, because that's-- Syrax doesn't know how to deal with something like that. And then the next sentence - it completely disarms him, because it was blunt, it was disgustingly honest, and because he never ever imagined Saren's voice sounding like he was on the verge of crying - for Syrax. "Nothing," he whispered, swallowing down a tight, bitter lump in his throat. Distantly he noted that his stance changed - shoulders up, arms crossed on his on his chest, vulnerable. Pathetic. "Nothing serious happened, no. Please, just - leave me alone, for now."

The thud of the dropped bag was loud and heavy. Saren lifted his chin just an inch up, unintimidated by the sudden display of his cousin's emotions. Instead he focused on the way a wince rippled through Sy's stormy expression, when the handles slipped roughly off of his forearm, as if it hurt him. Hurt him in a way such a rough yet relatively harmless sensation shouldn't. And in that moment, he couldn't really explain the emotion this whole scene made him feel. It mixed together with frustration, confusion, concern, and fear that he didn't know what to do, creating some volatile concoction that slowly smothered Saren from the inside, pressing uncomfortably against his guts and ribs. So he killed the distance between himself and his family in three and a half strides, arm stretched out in a wordless offer of comfort, not touching him, there just in case that Sy decided otherwise. "What are you scared of?.." he asked, eyes pleading, searching for a hint in his cousin's face. "Please-- please, I can help you out, but you have to speak to me. Not now, perhaps, but at the same time, we can't fi--"

Saren's wrist was grabbed, taller man’s grip vice, iron. "Fuck off," he hissed, leaning in with a snarl on his lips, squinted dark brown eyes on level with the green widened ones, “And stop implying that I’m a coward!..” And just as suddenly as this wave of anger came on, Syrax trailed off, mind finally caught up with his actions. Furious expression slipped away, being replaced with something petrified. “Sorry,” he fumbled out, releasing Saren’s wrist and pressing his fists close to his chest, “holy shit, I’m- I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened there…” He was about to be chased out of the quarters for this, wasn’t he? Fuck. Saren had all the rights to do just that. What if this gets him into trouble with security? What if…

It would be a lie to say that Saren wasn’t startled by the sudden outburst. A reminder that his cousin wasn’t all just smiles and gentle demeanor - suddenly he realized, with vivid clarity, that Sy wasn’t someone he would want to end up fighting with. Saren released the anxious breath he was holding onto as Syrax released his grip on his wrist, and gingerly the younger of the two brought his limb closer to himself. It was slightly green and a bit sore… perhaps a bruise would soon appear. And despite what just happened, he reached out again - because watching his family slip away like sand through his fingers, was much more unpleasant than accidentally getting hurt. “I’m sorry for saying it like that, I didn’t mean to imply such things,” he explained evenly, his hand resting on Sy’s shoulder, steadying the helmsman. “What I mean is… if anything happens, be it big or small, you can talk to me, okay?.. I promise no judgment, I am doing this because I want to help you and… in my opinion, you need that. You don’t have to do it now. Whenever you are ready, okay?..” Receiving a weak, uncertain nod made the sting in his wrist worth it. They hugged, but that didn’t quell the newfound steady stream of worry in his heart. From now on, he would have to be very attentive.

To: Lt. JG. Saren tr'Lareth-Morvar @Lt. JG. Saren tr'Lareth-Morvar From: Lt. Cdr. Evoras Lhai'Ivek Under consideration of the quality of your recent work, as well as your assumed capability to handle molten tables, tired colleagues, paperwork and suchlike, you’re being offered a position as ACSO. Attached to this message there is some informative material on what this position would entail. Should you have any further questions, it would be convenient if you could inform me, preferably via a reply to this message. In case you accept or should you feel it would be beneficial if you could ask me further questions in person, it would be appreciated if you could come by my office at some point in the near future. Sincerely, Lieutenant Commander Lhai’Ivek

He was busy doing some general cleaning around the living room when he heard the message ping in his bedroom. Noticing that it was a message from his Chief, Saren sat down and took his time to read the message... only to re-read it again. And then again, just for good measure. Him? An assistant? Saren sat still for a bit before typing his reply, idly scrolling through the attached files and reading through them, while his brain processed that this had just happened. A lot of new responsibility for him... but then also, a huge step - for him personally, and for him as a Romulan in Starfleet. Something he wanted to achieve from the beginning, all those years ago, fighting tooth and nail to get his recommendation letter. And, well. The fact that he was being recognized like this... it felt nice, too.

To: Lt. Cdr. Evoras Lhai'Ivek From: Lt. JG. Saren tr'Lareth-Morvar I am honored to receive such an offer, and I accept it. I am able to visit your office whenever it is convenient for you. Thank you, Lt. JG. Saren tr'Lareth-Morvar