Star Trek: Starbase 777

Alyssa stepped inside, scanning her quarters for the first time. Ah! She indeed was going solo! Not that she was complaining. Perhaps it was for the best that she had her own quarters. She was notorious for having roommates that quickly got intimidated by her. Most of the time for reasons beyond her control, like how tall she was. Most of the time. Alyssa scanned the room briefly, getting the lay of the land, so to speak. Not that there was much land itself to get a lay of, but they were larger quarters than she'd had previously. Compared to previous vessels this was a mansion! Alyssa would soon get used to this place, she figured. Maybe she'd have movie nights in her quarters, as there was so much space. She'd just have to replicate a screen and projector to pull it off, old-school style. The door shut behind Alyssa, leaving her alone in the room. Ah! Peace and quiet. Not that she didn't like her duties or being around anyone else, at least, she just needed a chance to decompress and relax after the journey to the starbase. Definitely taking a load off would be what she needed. Approaching her bed, Alyssa sat down on the side of the mattress before rolling into the middle of the bed and laying on her back. Hmm! This bed was really soft but sturdy! Real comfy! She looked around her, left and right, to familiarize herself with her surroundings from this vantage point. "Computer," Alyssa said aloud. "Begin personal log." [D] Alyssa recorded her personal log briefly before simply laying in silence for a minute. It was real relaxing to just lay there, not needing to go anywhere today, or do anything. It was real nice.

Alyssa just laid there, not really doing anything, for a few minutes. Her mind was anything but still. Had she made the right impression when she arrived at the starbase? Would others here like her? Was she too much? Too little? And then she remembered... she didn't care. With that, Alyssa got off her bed and approached the replicator. "Colored pencils and paper," she said aloud. The replicator gave her just that, and she took the pencils and paper to the nearby desk. She wanted to draw something. Within a few minutes, she began to sketch out the rough outline of a feminine-presenting human head, facing forward. Then, the outer details of long yet detailed curly hair. And finally, the outside of their clothing. Herself... Alyssa was drawing herself. For the very first time. She had never drawn herself before. Not once. Didn't really feel the need to. Wasn't any reason for it. But right now? She was proud of herself. She had made it this far, being a lieutenant commander, and serving aboard one of the most highly-praised starbases in the entire Federation. She deserved some self-love. As Alyssa drew, she began to sculpt some of her facial features, including the shape of her eyes, the curvature of her lips, and even smudged some of the pencil she drew on her cheeks to create shadows and contours. It really didn't take her that long, she had drawn other people such as celebrities and public figures as practice in the past. Now it was her turn. With her face sketched out, Alyssa added color, hues of red, yellow and orange, to match her skin tone. And just like that, her face was complete! Next she continued the rather tedious process of coloring in her hair and the curls within, making sure to present the shadows and highlights faithfully. Finally, she filled in her uniform, which was the easiest part, before moving to the left side of the paper and writing in large text... I'M STILL HERE

03:34

Alyssa signed her work underneath the large text, satisfied with her very first self-portrait. She thought it was somewhat narcissistic before quickly dismissing that thought. She needed to display who she was through her art, as she never had before. And now was as good of a time as ever to do so. Alyssa got up and approached the replicator again. "Picture frame and wall adhesive," Alyssa said before the replicator presented exactly that to her. Alyssa opened up the frame, carefully placing her picture inside of the frame to preserve it. Then she closed the back of it up, sealing the artwork inside. Finally, she prepared the wall adhesive, sticking it to the back of the frame before carefully placing on the wall, above her desk, and level with the ground. Stepping back to admire her work, Alyssa actually smiled widely, which she never, EVER did in public. This was fulfilling beyond what she had even imagined. Now she was part of a piece of art that she worked on, and could be proud of. That was really special. Alyssa packed away the spare paper and pencils into her desk, saving them for the next project, before she exited her quarters, ready to continue the day.

TW: negative self-talk Stepping inside her quarters, Alyssa was relieved to have a single quarters not shared by a roommate. With any roommate inside, she'd be incredibly embarrassed to show her emotions like this. Alyssa never wanted to show vulnerability, ever, in any circumstance, for any reason, and no exceptions. If she ever did, it made her feel weak, insufferable, and in all honesty, pathetic. Pathetic... She really was pathetic, wasn't she? She'd taken all these hits all her life, why was she so apt to crumbling under all of it now? It's because she was a fraud. A fucking poser. Normally Alyssa when re-entering her quarters go up to her desk and begin to draw. Now? She couldn't even look at her pencils and paper. She didn't want to make any art to commemorate this. She didn't want to remember this. Instead, Alyssa did what she rarely ever elected to do. She simply walked inside, and without even stopping, opened the covers to her bed before slipping onto the mattress and replacing the covers. Never had Alyssa ever taken a nap from stress or these sorts of situations. Never. It was now when Alyssa realized that a demon inside of her - thankfully not a physical, omnipotent demon - had made itself more known to her than she had ever realized. She was a lieutenant commander, not some washed-up cadet! Or was she just some poser after all? Yes, that had to be it. Everyone acted in this mission like Alyssa practically gave the worst advice possible, or at least, that's how she interpreted it. Alyssa no longer trusted herself. She didn't trust her instincts. Normally a situation like this would be easy and smooth sailing. Now... she couldn't even last ten seconds without another tear rolling down her face.

22:34

It was scary, feeling like she wasn't needed. A phenomenon she hadn't experienced for years. All those fake friends in school... then the situation that took away her eye... and now Alyssa felt like it was happening here too. That she didn't-- belong? No. She had to! This was her home now! She was assigned here for a reason. She just... couldn't find that reason anymore. She didn't see it. She didn't see what others saw in her. Without even removing her half visor, Alyssa's face turned bright red as her eyes clenched in a desperate attempt to stop the waterfalls - nope. Alyssa was human, and that meant she wasn't immune to emotions either. As such, the single tear from earlier had erupted into a cascade. One that she'd never thought she'd experience again. And yet... it came back to haunt her. To plague her. To fill her mind with a twisted, dark reality that she didn't think was ever possible again. And yet here it was. Only after what seemed like an eternity did Alyssa feel so exhausted from crying that she finally fell asleep. Maybe some rest would do her good.