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...No. No, it couldn't be. Because he'd been in situations like this before, where he'd thought maybe he'd developed feelings for someone in this kind of ambiguous relationship, and it turned out he'd been wrong and he'd broken someone's heart, and he couldn't bear the possibility of doing that to Allan - he cared about him far too much.
Besides, their dynamic was perfect right now. There was no need to change anything. It wouldn't be worth the risk. "Yeah, he... He is," Said Dion after staring at Allan for half a minute, suddenly seeming a little absent-minded and confused. "Sorry, I just, um... Headache, suddenly." Technically not a lie. There were so many thoughts in his head right now it was kind of painful.
Dion moved so he was facing Allan, pushed Allan's wet hair out of his face again, but then just left his (bare!) hand there tangled in it. He made no moves for a moment until he pulled Allan forward and pressed his ridged forehead against Allan's, then kissed him deeply. What did this gesture mean? He had absolutely no idea. He was acting entirely on instinct. What did Allan call it? Living in the moment and enjoying what he was doing? Yeah, something like that.
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Sometimes it was from people who fell in love quicker than he did and got tired of waiting for him to catch up, and other times it was from people who saw he wanted something resembling love and were happy to give him a facsimile of it in return for whatever they wanted; sex, worship, entertainment, etcetera. Sometimes, though, it was exactly like this, where you put two people who loved the world and the people in it and it was very hard to discern whether they loved one another as individuals or as a part of that world.
Not to mention, how the hell was someone supposed to love him individually when he used two names half the time? Allan may accept him, but he wasn't sure he really understood how fractured he really was psychologically. He couldn't blame him; Dion barely understood it himself. Actually, he wasn't sure Nalas or Aella really did either, as close as they got. Who was he to ask anyone to love him when there was barely a him to begin with?
Shit, this wasn't what he was trying to do. Live in the moment, not get caught up in his inner monologue. God, he didn't want to think about any of this, he just wanted to kiss Allan again. So he did, pushing him against the edge of the pool, one hand still in Allan's hair and the other grabbing his wrist tantalisingly close to the hand, and kissing him desperately in the hopes that it would make his stupid brain shut the hell up for once.
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